There are some scenarios parenting books just can’t help you with. Honestly, most of them seem pretty worthless when you’re in the thick of things.
Sure, I have read about how to discipline, and how to handle strong-willed children. But I confess that a lot of the time, I am unsure how to handle my kids. Zach is still in his screaming and tantrum phase, and Eliza hasn’t outgrown hers (while she continues to question everything you say), so we’re in an interesting vortex of pain and chaos.
In the moment, I often find myself acting calmly (trying very hard not to scream and yell like them), but the discipline that comes out still somehow leaves a bad parenting stench. It’s like I don’t have enough time to think through what the consequences I’m doling out will actually mean for all of us.
This morning, I was upstairs when Eliza and Zach broke out fighting downstairs over what turned out to be my phone – something they didn’t have permission to be playing with in the first place. After calling Eliza to me four times and her not responding by coming, but rather with, “Mommy, will you put on another TV show?”, I trudged downstairs, picked up Eliza, and as I walked her up the stairs, told her she would be going to her room for breakfast so she and Zach couldn’t fight over things. She proceeded to throw a complete temper tantrum about wanting to eat at the table. I didn’t budge, because I’m afraid of being a sucker who can be talked out of following through by a 3-year-old. Of course, as Zach was fighting too, I thought it only fair to have him eat his breakfast in his room by himself as well.
The good news is that this is not going where you might think. I DID have the sense to make something that wasn’t super messy. (Thank God I put thought into what I served them, if nothing else!) But as I listened to them scream and holler as I separated them to – what was my end game? Oh yes, stop the screaming – I realized my plan hadn’t worked. And there were crumbs all over Eliza’s bed to clean up.
In the end, Eliza and I talked about everything that went wrong, but still it didn’t feel like a victory. In hindsight, I could have just taken the phone away from them and let that be punishment enough for fighting over it. Sometimes I just need to remember to give myself time – maybe a count to ten moment when I put them in their rooms so they’re safe – while I come up with an appropriate reaction. When I act swiftly and carry a big stick, I don’t necessarily get the hoped for outcome. It’s just sometimes the big stick feels so right and justified in the moment. Am I a bad parent, or am I being too hard on myself?
I could just bang them over their heads with one of the several parenting books on the shelf …
If you’re a mom, it’s more like 10 or 10,000 things
There is nothing that will re-prioritize your life like having children.
Your to-do list expands overnight when you’re pregnant and you feel the pressure to read the countless books there are on hosting your little human parasite, birthing it and taking care of it. Once you have the baby, your to-do list is almost entirely decided for you. You never know how much time you’ll have before the baby needs you, so you have to decide whether to take a nap (as everyone advises), do laundry, eat something, do the dishes, write thank-you notes, or somehow try to feel like a normal person by talking on the phone to someone or e-mailing.
When I went back to work, the weekends became a juggling act of errands, going through mail, and trying to have “family time.” Personal, pre-children projects like scrapbooking (laughable!) weren’t even in my “top 200 things I want to do list.” When I quit my job five months later, my priority became figuring out what to do with an 8 1/2-month-old who couldn’t have a conversation. Then I found out I was pregnant. Of course, our biggest to-do list item became getting our personal wills done, as the thought of the government deciding what to do with our parent-less child would have been an overwhelming one without pregnancy hormones in play.
When Zach came along, my priority was surviving. My to-do list was to -NOT-die, and not accidentally kill or maim either of my children from lack of sleep. Honestly, the first few months of Zach’s life are a complete blur. I wish I had started blogging then, but even the idea is ridiculous because, well, when could I have done it?
And here we are, with a 3 1/2-year-old and a two-year-old, and things seem a bit more manageable, but now my to-do list has more weighty items on it, like teach the kids to swim, figure out how to build Zach’s character, and research where we should send Eliza to kindergarten (because that decision is, scarily, a year away). And of course, the scrapbooking from pre-baby days has fallen off the list, because it’s never going to get done. I’ve come to terms with that.
The thing is, having kids pushes a lot of things you thought were important in life out of the picture. And kissing them goodbye in return for newborn cuddles was a really tough pill for me to swallow. I like control and I like thinking about myself. But what I’m coming to realize is that I’m just beginning to understand what’s really important, and our kids are showing me that. I am sitting here trying to think of what my normal, after work to-do list was like before we had kids, and I can’t even remember (maybe planning home improvement projects?). I think that is more evidence that a lot of it didn’t matter; it isn’t lasting. What’s lasting is leaving a legacy of children who will love others like we love them, and care about others like we care about them.
So if your to-do list is currently diaper-changing, spit-up cleaning, and round-the-clock feeding, hang in there; it will change again pretty soon. Perhaps not to something easier, but at least, in my opinion, to something more rewarding.
I’m forever changed, and I wouldn’t ever want me – or my to-do list – to be the same again.
1. buy flip flops for a two-year-old: What on earth was I thinking when I did this? I let Eliza pick out her shoes before heading out to lunch with her and Zach at 9-months. Of COURSE she picked her flippy floppies. When you’re carrying a diaper bag and a 20-pound blob, you really need your two-year-old to be able to walk well, especially when tree trimmers have blocked off the 18 parking spaces near the restaurant to which you are headed and thus you have a good 50 yards to traverse. Eliza slowly, saunteringly, made her way with me. It was unsafe, because she loves to annoy me even more by doing exactly the opposite of what I request when she can tell I’m frustrated. This put her at risk for darting out (as best she could with those dang flimsy chicken wishbone plastic thingies holding the foam to her feet) into traffic. After this incident, I officially hid them. Incidentally, she found them at age 3 and I can say she’s much more adept at walking in them now.
2. go out without some sort of snack for both kids: Kids will not be hungry when you want them to eat, and they will swear they are starving when you have nothing to feed them. I keep age appropriate snacks in my minivan and generally something in my purse. Often, I’m the one who ends up needing the food anyway, because let’s face it, we moms forget to eat.
3. go out without diapers: I generally keep about 4-6 diapers in the car. When I used a diaper bag, I kept 4-6 in it and two in the car. My breastfeeding class teacher told us how she was stuck on an airplane with her baby who had diarrhea and – you guessed it – she ran out of diapers. I figure I am saving myself from the experience by being prepared for it. (If I didn’t always have that many diapers with me, I know Zach would get diarrhea.) We have all been there. Every once in a while, I end up using all the car diapers and forget to replenish the supply. I was so embarrassed a few weeks ago when I took Zach to the church nursery and forgot to bring diapers. Of course, he pooped. (But the people who run the nursery have kids and, thus, they know to keep diapers on-hand.)
“Why didn’t anyone warn me?” I wondered to myself over and over in the early days with a newborn. How could having a baby be so hard, despite attending breastfeeding and infant care classes? How could two educated parents be so clueless?
The answer, I have come to realize, is three-fold. For one, friends did reveal the truth to me to an extent, and so did the birth and baby books I read. But like anything that’s hard (like training for and running a marathon, or making it through medical school, I imagine), people can’t fully make you understand it with words and warnings. Going through it yourself is the only way to truly “get it.”
Second, when I was struggling, I wanted to talk to others who had struggled. Crying on the phone to my childless friends about being tired, feeling trapped and not producing enough milk just wasn’t as comforting (or baggage I wanted to unload on someone who was hopeful to have children some day). I needed to talk to people who could relate, who could promise me I would come out the other end of the exhaustion and struggle. I think this means that we don’t get the real scoop before having a baby.
The third reason is that I have a few friends who have had their babies and everything has been dreamy – they had easy labors and deliveries, their babies were perfect little eating and sleeping angels, and for these friends, life was just beginning. (Haters.) Every family’s experience is so different, even from child to child, that trying to warn people about how bad it could be doesn’t make sense.
All of that said, there are some aspects of becoming a parent that are universal. So, if you want to know what to expect (no matter what), here’s what I can promise:
1. Bleeding: I was left in wonderment at how I was supposed to think missing 8 periods was so glorious when, once I had Eliza, I got all 8 missed periods in a row (and then some). Having a baby makes you bleed. A lot and for a long time. I’m talking about gelatinous clumps in the first 24-48 hours that make you wonder if you’re going to lose all your blood. (And you can’t use tampons.) The good news is that you get these really cool disposable net panties from the hospital or birthing center that you can throw out along with the elephant-sized pads you are provided. This is one of the reasons many postpartum women are anemic, so it’s important to continue taking pre-natal vitamins for the first few months, even if you’re not breastfeeding. (As a side note, my friend who just had a C-section was under the impression that she wouldn’t bleed because when they went in after the baby, they’d get that out, too, along with – in her dream world – a few pounds of extra stomach fat. She had no such luck.)
2. Pain: Whether you have a C-section or a vaginal birth, there is pain after expelling another person from your body. It’s not like the baby comes out and you prance out of the hospital like the sugar plum fairy. They wheel you out in a chair for a reason. And healing takes time, too. You might be on acetaminophen, or you might get heavy duty drugs. If you get heavy duty ones, they might be powerful enough to make you forget that you are wearing the aforementioned netted panties.
3. hormone changes: Some hormone levels drop instantly after a baby is born, and some take a few months to normalize. Almost all women experience some form of “baby blues” (isolation, fragility, and crying) for the first couple of weeks. If you are one of the few who doesn’t, you’re also a hater.
4. Engorgement: Whether or not you end up nursing, your breasts will assume you are. Thus, you will experience engorgement, which can be described as a burning hot pain along with super rock-hard breasts that have filled up with milk. If you don’t want to nurse and you express the milk by pumping, your boobs will keep making more milk, so you just have to suck it up and let them leak and cause pain for a few days. If you are nursing, you will go in-and-out of engorgement as your body tries to figure out how much milk to produce to meet your baby’s needs. It’s really awesome when your newborn starts sleeping longer stretches (like 3 or 4 hours) but your boobs wake you up anyway because they’re engorged, anticipating a feeding.
5. No exercise or sex: At the time when you’re in physical pain and hormonally imbalanced, when a good surge of endorphins would certainly help, you can’t exercise and you can’t jump your husband. The truth is, for the first 6-8 weeks, you won’t really feel like doing either anyway. (And if you thought you didn’t want your breasts fondled during pregnancy, it’s a whole new ball game if you’re nursing, seeing as you could leak or spray milk at just about any time.)
6. You will be able to see your vajayjay again, but you’ll be sorry you looked past your flabby, gelatinous belly to peek at it: No further explanation is needed.
7. Eat, sleep and poop: Granted, your child might not do them in that order, and the frequency of all three ranges from child-to-child, but for the first 6-8 weeks, it’s really all they do. Then they add smiling to the mix. (Yeehaw!)
8. Eating is the most important: Oh my gosh, a newborn’s stomach grows from the size of a marble to the size of a walnut in the first week of life. Then the growth spurts start. The old saying, “Let a sleeping baby lie” is detrimental to your child’s health in the early days. You have to wake them up to feed them sometimes. They must eat at LEAST 8 times a day, but it’s normal for them to eat as many as 12. For several weeks.
9. You will fear the baby is not getting enough to eat: It is unnerving to be responsible for the survival of another human life, and not knowing how much a child is eating and only being able to gauge it by whether the thing is peeing and pooping can be anxiety-inducing, especially for type-A folks. Your pediatrician and/or lactation consultants can help you, so don’t be afraid to ask.
10. You will be afraid you are going to hurt the baby: On our first pediatrician visit with Eliza, Kathy, our lactation consultant, was hurling our baby around as if she were Gumby, bending her into different poses and manhandling her. She was trying to show us how sturdy our love bundle actually was, and that it’s pretty hard to hurt them when they’re so nimble.
11. Exhaustion: Because of 1-9, you will be more tired than you’ve ever been in your life. (Thanks Dana!)
12. Love overload: Yet despite all the above, it is impossible not to be in awe of what God has created through you and another person. There is so much warmth inside on an entirely new level when you nurture a newborn. There’s no way to recreate it and bottle it up, because if I could, I would, and then I’d sell it on eBay and become a bajillionaire. And I believe you still experience this, regardless of your level of postpartum depression (it just might be more in moments than all the time).
There you have it. And I’m sure I’ve forgotten a lot because I’ve read that some of those hormones make you forget how hard it can be. (Please feel free to fill in my gaps by commenting.) To the childless, consider yourselves warned.
Truth is paramount. I keep telling Eliza and Zach how important it is to tell the truth, mostly so Greg and I can help them, protect them, and teach them. I’m learning that it would be nice if you could teach children to be honest while at the same time tactful. Whereas honesty is pretty black and white to a child, (“Mommy, that lady right there is really fat”), tact, I’m finding out, is going to take longer to teach. (Sometimes people don’t ever get it right.) We have to be able to teach what facts and information are important to divulge. (Okay, maybe even I haven’t figured this one out yet.) And sometimes truth worked out in the logic of a 3-year-old’s mind is simply hilarious. I think part of the reason watching children between the ages of 2 and 4 is so entertaining is because, as my mom has always said, “they say the darnedest things.”
A few weeks ago we were staying with some friends, and I introduced the kids to “The Banana Song” by singing everyone’s name in the car to the tune. Both kids loved it. Eliza said she wanted to sing it, but she just couldn’t do it. Then she said, “Maybe I can sing it when I’m older, when I have hair in my hiney.” I then proceeded (as I felt compelled) to explain Eliza’s understanding that you get hair “down there” when you’re grown up. (See, perhaps my children are doomed as far as learning what to divulge and what to keep quiet.)
Then we were in Florida with family, and while we were all together, we made a Thanksgiving meal and celebrated the holiday early. My older brother, John Henry, is known for being a bit verbose when telling stories. As he had just returned from a hunting trip, he wanted to share some tales. He was in the middle of telling a story about how this deer and cat faced off, providing specific, colorful explanations of every move each animal made, when Eliza said, “Excuse me Uncle Henry, can you just tell me what happens in the end?” We all burst into laughing fits.
In this stage, we are all really getting to enjoy watching the wheels in the kids’ minds turn as they think through things and then verbalize them (in Zach’s case, through babbles, a handful of words and facial expressions). As I’ve said before, I have three different notebooks around the house where I try to remember to jot down the funny things they say so I have a document of them. As long as you write things down somewhere, you’ll be able to remember them. Then you can keep a shoebox for each child so you at least keep the memory. We also set up e-mail addresses when our kids were born, and we send them e-mails to document milestones, write them love letters and memorialize the great moments. Because the truth, especially if it’s funny (or blackmail material down the road), is worth remembering.
Eliza’s 16-week sonogram. You can see her head at the bottom, with her face looking up so you can see her profile. But no private parts! We didn’t want to know.
Pregnancy is on my mind. It’s probably because I have so many pregnant friends. I promise it’s not because I am pregnant. (As my stream of consciousness takes over, I’m reminded of a conversation I overheard at Eliza’s school yesterday. A mother of three asked another mom of two, “So are you ready for a third?” The mom of two replied with a chortle, “Are you kidding? I want my life back.”)
Most of my friends have decided to find out the sexes of their babies, but a few have chosen to wait until their children are born. I have done it both ways: Eliza was a surprise, but we found out Zach was a boy for Greg’s sake. In his words, he needed to be able to mentally prepare himself if we were going to have two girls.
I know it’s not a big deal either way, but I highly recommend going the surprise route. In fact, if we ever have more children, I will never find out the sex again (on purpose, at least). Here’s why.
1. There are very few good surprises in life once you become an adult. Many have said, “Yes, but it’s a surprise whether you find out during a sonogram or when the baby comes out.” Trust me. As someone who can vouch from personal experience, it is different. With Zach, we didn’t find out during our sonogram. We had the technician print the gender-identifying photo and put it in an envelope for us. Then we sat on the patio that night and opened the envelope by ourselves amid the fireflies in our backyard. And then I was sad that the surprise was revealed.
2. It can help you through labor. As I struggled through back labor while Greg tried to take my focus off the pain, he had me imagine we were doing fun things with our child – we were watching our son ski down Riva Ridge in Vail for the first time, or we were sailing with our daughter. And that gave me a few seconds of respite to wonder, “Oh right – I’m going to meet you soon. Which one will you be?” The cat is almost out of the birth canal bag!
3. I believe your emotions can affect your baby in utero. Greg and I had always thought our first child would be a girl from the dreams we had had about having kids, so I think I would have been a little disappointed if I had found out my first was a boy. I didn’t want to make him sad or feel unwanted in there. Conversely, I felt like if the child came out and I was told, “It’s a boy!” I would have been ecstatic because, well, he was out, and well, there he was!
4. Your family might have hopes, too – ones you don’t care to hear. Maybe your parents really want a girl because they have 9 grandsons and no granddaughters. Or maybe there’s pressure to commit to carrying on the family name, making a Herbert Whiting Virgin VI. (That’s not a joke – our nephew, Whitt, is the 5th.) I think once family members can meet a baby, boy or girl, they will fall in love regardless of what their hopes are for gender or names.
5. I saved money. The baby girl clothes didn’t call to me every time I went shopping.
6. I saved other people money. Nor did gender-specific baby gear or nursery decor shout at me, either. So I never needed a shower for Zach because I had everything I needed, and He wasn’t going to be subjected to a pink baby carrier or car seat. Our nursery was khaki, yellow and green.
7. You do not NEED to know for planning purposes. I challenge anyone to come up with something you must plan that requires the child be a boy or girl. Trust me, I am a planner and type-A and a control freak. And I survived, as did every planner in human history until roughly 25 years ago.
8. You can’t get the sex wrong once the baby is born. I have two good friends who were told from initial sonograms that they were having girls. One’s sister-in-law had hand-made her pink baby shower invitations when they found out they were, in fact, having a boy. Our other good friends just found out at 31-weeks that their little girl is actually a little man. Although they are equally as excited, the dad said, “It’s like this baby girl I thought I had is gone.”
There is my case. I know I probably won’t change anyone’s mind either way, but perhaps there is a mom out there who can’t really figure out what to do, and this will help her decide.
I’d love to hear whether you found out or waited for the surprise, and why!
I’m pretty sure I had this argument with someone as a kid
Perhaps in this day and age of spell check, you don’t really need to know how to spell to write. It is a required skill, however, to communicate in code around your kids.
Here’s an example of how spelling can come in H-A-N-D-Y. As background, when kids use boobs to eat or pacifiers to soothe themselves, it’s easy to keep them sucking on an airplane during ascent and descent to help with ear-popping. Once they get a little older, I’ve found that lollipops work like magic. On our way back from California this week, Zach finished his lollipop too quickly, but luckily Eliza fell asleep (for the first time on the 5-hour flight) with a half hour left to go. Thus, I gave Greg her remaining lollipop to give to Zach.
When we landed, Eliza woke up and began one of her world-is-ending screaming tantrums. I looked at Greg and said, “Do you have any more of the L-O-L-L-I-P-O-P?”
Of course he didn’t. And of course a masochistic man nearby said, “That spells LOLLIPOP.” (“Really???” I said to him. Luckily, Eliza missed the reference and I managed to calm her down.) But at least I was able to inquire about it without having to say the word. These days, I spell a lot of words.
“Is it okay if they P-L-A-Y?”
“We have B-A-N-A-N-A and I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M.”
“That’s S-T-U-P-I-D.”
“Oh C-R-A-P.”
And on and on it goes. I remember my parents doing this. I remember spelling out words with my older brother in front on my younger brother so we could communicate about playing together without our third wheel figuring it out. I think the lesson to learn here is that if your children don’t want to practice their spelling words as they get older, you can tell them if they do, they’ll be able to figure out your code-speak.
Of course, by then, we’ll have to come up with different ways to say things, like ice cream will become “the frozen bovine delicacy.” And I’m sure it won’t take long for the kids to figure out our code language. But then it will spur on creative thinking. So if you never learned, start working on your spelling now. You and your kids will benefit.
The past week has been bad for me. I actually haven’t written because as honest as I am, I’m embarrassed at some of the things that have happened. We all have an upper respiratory illness bubbling up, and I am in physical pain from training for a race that I might not be able to complete because of runner’s knee. My patience is running very, very thin for things like Zach’s screaming and Eliza’s incessant jabbering.
Yesterday in the car, Zach screamed for I believe the 6th time at the top of his lungs, and I turned around and screamed, “STOP SCREAMING!!!” (the hypocrisy was palpable) as I smacked his foot (the only thing within reach). Eliza stared at me, surprised and a bit frightened. Last night after dinner, I was D-O-N-E, and I asked Eliza to clean up her Boggle game. She asked “Why?” I said very firmly, “Eliza, the next thing you’re going to do is clean up that game, and if you say anything else before it’s cleaned up, you will get a spanking.” She immediately said, “But mommy … ” and I took her away and spanked her, which made her cry. (Definitely the best way to get in a control battle with a strong-willed child is to do what I did.) Last week, I tried to get a babysitter so I could go to the orthopedist and get X-Rays of my knee, and a few people let me down for help. I called Greg in tears, begging him to work from home so I could have some “sick leave.” I said, “I just need to go back to work. If I were at work right now, the kids would be in daycare and I would just use sick leave to go to the doctor. I don’t get sick days. Whaaaaaa!!!” (Poor Greg.)
When I confess these moments to other moms, they all communicate that they’ve been there. (And if you’ve never done anything like this, you must not have any children older than about 9-months.) I have been feeling more and more like I would like to work part-time, partially to use my brain in a different way, but also to force myself to realize how awesome the time I get with my kids is, and to better maximize it with precious time instead of wasted time, or even worse, time I’d like to erase and re-do.
I recently read a quote in the book “girls!” (which in my opinion, is worth the read if you have any daughters ages 4-12) that struck me. The authors say, “Whether you are a dedicated career woman or a stay-homie, your role is secondary to the attitudes you communicate about your role.”
So, today I thought about this. I didn’t bad-mouth my role, or mutter under my breath about my unhappiness with my kids’ behaviors. I kept my cool in the tough moments. I thanked God for their extra hugs and kisses and cuddles because they aren’t feeling well. And I thanked Him for the gunk (in their lungs and in our lives). And mostly, I thanked Him that I get to stay home, sick days or not.
I’m willing to do just about anything to get my kids to eat the foods they need. I have made up songs and dances about eating. We get Eliza to eat by telling her the food will make her “BIG AND STRONG” as we all raise our arms and flex our muscles. (Annoyingly, Zach likes to do this, but it doesn’t encourage him to eat.) I have really enjoyed using “Deceptively Delicious” by Jessica Seinfeld to sneak veggies and other nutritional foods into their bellies. I’ve probably tested at least half of the recipes in the cookbook, so I wanted to give my “review,” if you will, of the book thus far.
1. Yes, I would recommend it. If you have general cooking knowledge, you can easily follow the recipes in this cookbook. Additionally, all of the baking recipes I’ve tried have been fantastic and I love thinking that my kids are getting a little extra nutrition from their sweets.
2. The “fried” recipes don’t work so well: Chicken nuggets (p.75), mozzarella sticks (p.91), aloha chicken kebabs (p.95), and tofu nuggets (p.100) haven’t come out like I’d hoped. I did change the chicken nuggets recipe substantially to make it work better. I’ll send that out in a different post. But generally speaking, vegetables mixed with egg don’t really stick to the foods very well, and thus the breadcrumb coatings don’t stay on very well.
3. These recipes work well and are easy: French toast (p.49), oatmeal (p.68), pita pizzas (p.96 – you can also use broccoli), tortilla cigars (p.144), avocado spread (p.136 – this goes well with the tortilla cigars or tacos), tacos (p.148 – they’re just a little advanced for our kids still), chocolate pudding (p.159), chocolate peanut butter dip (p.163), frozen yogurt pops (p.167), and chocolate fondue (p.174).
4. My family’s favorites: Meatball soup (p.72), Italian meatloaf (p.79), mashed potatoes (p.80 – and you can add parsnips instead of cauliflower), beef stew (p.83), buttered noodles (p.108), burgers 2 (p.115), spaghetti pie (p.116), and lasagna (p.131).
5. Great baking: Banana bread (p.54), peanut butter and banana muffins (p.58), brownies (p.156), doughnuts (p.160), carrot cake muffins (p.185 – so moist and you don’t even need the frosting), and yellow cake (p.186).
6. I can’t get these to work: Pancakes (p.57) and pink pancakes (p.143). See the photo above, but I am seriously wondering if these are missing the eggs. I’ve tried to cook these as flat as possible, but still they don’t seem to cook on the inside. I’ve cooked them up to 15-20 minutes total (and they’re supposed to take about 5). I will not try them again unless perhaps with egg to see if that helps.
7. These are not tasty: tofu nuggets (p.100 – they’re just gross), burgers 1 (p.111 – everyone said they tasted like veggie burgers, but I liked them), and grilled cheese sandwiches (p.135 – maybe if you severely cut back on the amount of veggie puree).
Those are my initial thoughts. I have a lot more recipes to try, and I’m thinking of getting Jessica’s second book, “Double Delicious: Good, simple food for busy, complicated lives.” If you have either of these books and can recommend recipes or share tips based on what I’ve found, please comment!
Two things that will get you through just about anything.
One of my best friends is getting ready to have a baby. I sent her a card recently, and she said I could share it on this blog. What I wrote to her in the few minutes I spent writing is what I would say to any close friend who’s about to have her first baby. The front of the card says: “A cup of coffee and a good friend – ” and the inside reads: “Two things that will get you through just about anything.” And here’s what I wrote:
Including having a baby. (And go ahead and indulge in the caffeine, even if you’re breastfeeding. You’re going to need it.)
I purposely didn’t buy a baby shower card because we’re beyond that. I’m not going to be all sappy and tell you babies are beautiful. I mean, they are, but they’re not. Newborns are energy zappers that look like, in the words of Bill Cosby, lizards when they come out. No doubt you are embarking on the toughest journey of your life.
But I can honestly say that more than any journey so far, this one will be the most rewarding, often in ways that are immeasurable, so don’t even try to compare it to anything else. Having a baby and then nurturing it as the source of its survival and understanding of love and life is … indescribable. Parenting is messy, and challenging, but I wouldn’t go back to the way things were before – not even for a billion dollars. (Okay, maybe I would for a billion, assuming I could still have babies sometime in the future. I could do a lot of good for a lot of people with that.) Let’s say a million.
Creating another life that is half you, half (fill in the blank), is a miracle. It is awe-inspiring, God-affirming, and love-multiplying. I am here for you always, even in the middle of the night. (Especially in the middle of the night, as those can be the loneliest and toughest times.) Once you’re a parent, being awakened from the depths of REM sleep is amazingly doable. So enjoy every minute that you can. It will seem like just a distant memory not many months from now. And when you need to cry, allow it. When you need help, ask for it.
As in all things, God knows what He’s doing. Welcome to the greatest faith-stretching exercise. “Children are a gift of the Lord.” Psalm 127:3
I can't even pee in peace 