What your wife really wants for Mother’s Day is good sex. Or not.

Men, this one is for you.  I have some fantastic, cheap ideas for Mother’s Day gifts for your lady.  I figure I’m just in time, because knowing you, and seeing what the stores were like today, you probably are just getting around to thinking about the fact that tomorrow is an obligatory holiday that requires your attention.  In the spirit of David Letterman’s retirement, and in an attempt to speak your language, here is a Top Ten Mother’s Day gift idea list.

10.  A break.  Make breakfast, lunch and dinner, or plan for how your family will get each of these meals.  Then feed all the mouths that need feeding.  And if any of these meals require work, do the work.  And then clean up.  I can’t tell you how many moms I know don’t want to do a single dish on Mother’s Day.  Put the kids to bed for her.

9.  A bath.  If your wife likes baths, draw her one with one of those little bath fizzes you have no clue what it is (just drop it in!).  Then grab whatever book she’s reading and pour her a glass of wine and send her to the bathroom.  You could do this any time of day.

8.  A homemade card.  Find a writing utensil and use it to compose a nice sentence on some printer paper.  Let the kids do the same.  Or let them color all over your paper.  It doesn’t matter.  Then fold it in half and present it to her.

7.  Time alone.  If you don’t know what to buy her but you want to get her a gift, send her out ALONE (read: even without the baby) to the mall for an hour or two to find something she wants.  If this concerns you, give her a price limit.

6.  Time with the kids.  Even the hardest-working mom needs some special time with the kids today.  Whatever her favorite thing to do with them is (reading?  puzzles?  a hike?  a bike ride?  a board game?), make sure it happens.

5.  Time with you.  If you can arrange it and this is important to her, you will score major points if you can manage to find even 30 minutes to sit across from her and have one of the seemingly meaningless, mostly one-sided conversations she loves to have.  It could even help with #1.

4.  A massage.  Her head, her back, her feet, or her whole body – even if it’s only 5-10 minutes.  Or maybe she likes having her back scratched.  Then do that.

3.  That special “something.”  Maybe she likes jewelry or has dropped hints about a Pandora charm she wants.  Perhaps she loves flowers, or chocolates, or when you take her shopping and pick out clothes for her.  I don’t know what that “something” is.  And if you don’t either, maybe number 2 will help.

2.  Whatever she wants.  Have you tried asking her?  If you are at a loss for how to celebrate the mother of your children on the one day in 2014 you’re supposed to know what would make her happy, then ask her.  “Honey, what can I do to make today as special as you are?”  “How can I thank you enough today for being a great mom?”  “What would make you happy today?”

1.  Good sex.  On her terms.  If you spend the day doing any of the above things, it’s possible you will be rewarded.  I can’t promise anything, but she will probably want you.  Which if you really think about it, wanting you is probably how you got sucked into having to celebrate Mother’s Day in the first place.

Good luck!

Christine