It’s so easy to focus on the crazy. When you’re a mom, whether working full-time, part-time, or staying at home, do you find yourself answering the question, “How are you?” with, “Crazy busy,” “just keeping my head above water!” or “I don’t even know what day it is”? Why do we do that to ourselves?
I think I’m starting to go through an evolution where I don’t want to be crazy. Busy, yes, but crazy, no. I am finding that my kids are maybe just a little bit more fun these days. I could fill pages and pages with Eliza-isms daily, and Zach melts my heart *almost* every time I look at him. (He is exactly 18-months-old, and can say about 10 words, so he’s doing a lot of whining. Whining does not melt my heart.)
They are fun. I’m enjoying being in their company and teaching them. I’m starting to realize how the law of reaping what you sow applies with parenthood. And I feel that this calling on my life right now – staying at home – though not what I ever had in mind, is surprisingly fulfilling.
I’m attending a four-week study at church based on the book called, “The Invisible Woman” by Nicole Johnson (http://www.amazon.com/Invisible-Woman-Special-Story-Mothers/dp/0849918294/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1308251612&sr=1-1). One thing I was forced to confront this week was a time when I felt invisible. And oddly enough, God brought to my attention not moments of feeling unnoticed as a mom, but memories of feeling unappreciated when I worked.
I know that even though I did it only five months, being a working mom is beyond difficult. Somehow we made it work, but the weekends were filled with errands, house projects went undone, the dry-cleaning pile was large, and the takeout menus stained from abuse. I’m coming to terms with knowing that I would not be able to balance everything I want to balance without becoming crazy.
The grass really can seem greener on the other side (wanting to be at home if you’re working, wanting to be working if you’re at home), but sometimes what we can’t see are all the poop patties in-between the blades. I’m coming into a state of contentedness that I haven’t yet felt as a stay-at-home mom, because I’ve always felt like this is just a temporary responsibility in the “formative years” so I can get back to being who I AM as soon as possible and still feel like I sacrificed the way I should have for my kids in the beginning of their lives.
Motherhood isn’t like that, though. I’m starting to realize that I don’t want a job right now. In fact, a friend offered me a lucrative writing position this week, and the thought of it made me wonder how I’d do it and still fit in all the time I want to make sure I get with my kids. It was such an unexpected emotional response to an opportunity that a year ago, I probably would have jumped on.
I am coming to grips with knowing that I cannot plan my life out how I’ve thought I’d be able to do. I might not ever work again. I might go back to a corporate environment. Maybe I’ll become a teacher, or maybe I’ll write part-time. I am not sure what God has in store for my family and me, but I do know that this moment, right now, is a gift, and I am called to cherish it and be content in it.
And for once, I am relishing in knowing that’s how I feel. Maybe I’ll go back to complaining about how crazy things are again tomorrow, but for right now, I am content. It is an awesome place to be – and one where I pray you are, too, whether at work or at home.