Parenting is so challenging because every child presents different challenges

Posted on by peeinpeace

If he only looked like this all night long

Parenting is not like math, unfortunately for those of us who enjoy formulas.  No, it’s definitely more like poetry or impressionistic painting.  Sometimes you get it, sometimes it makes no sense; sometimes up close, in the words of Cher from “Clueless,” it’s just a big old mess.

Before having Eliza, I read the book “Baby Wise” for advice on getting her to sleep well.  I decided that if I followed its principles, it would be nearly impossible to have a child who didn’t sleep well.  Wouldn’t you know, Eliza was sleeping 8 hours through the night consistently by 11 weeks.  (Looking back, I believe God was just being gracious because of the injury she caused when she exploded out of me on the third suction attempt, causing a fourth degree tear.)  She slept 12 hours a night from about 5 months on and has never looked back (except of course for her two-month-long battle with night terrors from July to September last year that I am still trying to forget and never blogged about because, as I just said, I don’t want to remember it).

Throughout Eliza’s infancy, I smugly and silently scoffed in my head at the moms who told me, “Well, Johnny’s always been a great sleeper, but Emily’s my one who still wants to get up several times a night.”  I thought it must be the parents who screwed up, got lazy, or didn’t follow through.  I looked forward to following the same formula with Zach and – POOF! – sleeping well again by the time he was three-months-old.

I was very, very wrong to make such an assumption.  Zach turned one a couple of weeks ago and he is still not consistently sleeping through the night.  All along as I’ve tried to train him to sleep and then found myself having entire two-sided debates in my head about the benefits and drawbacks of going into his room, I’ve thought, “At least by the time he’s one this won’t happen anymore unless he’s sick or teething.”  (The day I learn not to make assumptions about what should and should not happen developmentally for my kids on my self-determined time line will be very liberating indeed.)

The thing is, I followed the “Baby Wise” formula again.  I couldn’t be as rigid and calculated about it because I had another toddler to manage, but I followed it.  The problem is two-fold: he is a second child and he is a different child.  It was a whole lot easier to let Eliza cry it out to get herself to go to sleep because there wasn’t another child in the house she could wake.  Not only that, but for her, “crying it out” meant letting her fuss for a few minutes and then enjoying the silence.  For Zach, it turns out that crying it out is an inexorable affair that causes me to wonder, “If I put him outside in the backyard and go back to sleep, will the neighbors be able to hear him?  And if they call the police, will I have broken any laws?”  These eternal screaming fits eventually and inevitably wake Eliza, and then we have two inconsolable babies with which to deal.

I’ve tried two or three times (I can’t remember exactly because sleep deprivation inhibits memory retention) to let him cry it out for days on-end.  I also follow the rules about not picking him up when he cries.  If I go into his room, it’s just to rub his back for a few seconds and replace his pacifier.  He will randomly sleep through the night without a peep, as he did two nights ago.  Then he’ll have a night like last night when he screamed for more than an hour.  It just doesn’t make sense.

So if you are a mother out there and you have figured out the formula for getting a child like Zach to be able to self soothe when he wakes, I’m all ears for suggestions.  Just don’t expect me to be able to do it unless it’s X + Y = blissful sleep.

 

How do you know if you want more kids?

Posted on by peeinpeace

Does anyone know a good urologist in our area?  The last time we talked about it, Greg told me he was about 85% sure he doesn’t want any more kids.  I am less sure what I want, depending on the time of day.  If it’s afternoon nap time, I might think I could have another some day, maybe when Eliza’s in pre-kindergarten.  If Eliza’s choking Zach’s neck for the 13th time and it’s only 8:30 and I have breakfast all over me even though I haven’t eaten anything yet, I am generally of the mindset that Greg should get on the phone and make an appointment for a vasectomy.

This morning brought unplanned-for chaos, and I was ready to make an appointment myself an hour ago, but now I’m not so sure.  (It’s nap-time.)  My neighbor, Chelsea, is expecting any minute (she would say yesterday, even though she’s 37 weeks), and around 7 this morning her contractions dictated a hospital trip.  She needed someone to take her two daughters, so of course I said “yes.”  I put on a big pot of oatmeal and told myself, “I can do this.”  I had planned on heading to the grocery store because we’re hosting a friend for dinner, and our cleaning ladies were coming, and it’s rainy, but whatever.  I always quote to myself, “The best laid plans of mice and men … ” despite never having read that book.  And I have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde internal power struggle between the laid-back-take-things-in-stride person I want to be, and the type-A control freak I generally am, wondering this morning if I could keep from playing favorites, and how I was going to keep the house picked up enough for the cleaners to actually clean, and how I could feed four kids at the same time, and why in the heck Greg was still in bed, because there was no way he couldn’t hear the extra voices downstairs.

The five hours were crazy.  Chelsea’s eldest, who’s nearly five-years-old, asked “Why?” at least 15 times.  She asked me why Eliza had four time-outs.  She asked me why we weren’t going to play with Play-Doh.  She asked me why I couldn’t whistle, and when I said her mom and dad were special because they could whistle, she said, “You’re not special?”  And I said, “No, I guess I’m not, at least not in that way.”  To which she responded, “No, Eliza’s mom, you are special to the man who’s Eliza’s dad.”

Chelsea’s soon-to-be middle child (because the baby hasn’t graced us with her presence yet!) and Eliza fought over every toy that sparked either one of their interests today.  Eliza pushed her multiple times and kept ripping toys from her grips (hence the aforementioned time-outs).  I got to the point where I just took everything away that any of them fought over.  It didn’t really deter the fighting, but maybe it will some day.

But even after all of the tough moments, and all of my “Because I’m in charge” and “Because I said so” comments (things I vowed never to say as a kid when my own parents said them to me), I sit here in a moment of clarity knowing how special each of these kids is.  I couldn’t imagine a world without any one of them, and so that’s why I really don’t know if I want more.  As crazy as life with three or four (or more if that were God’s plan) would be, I know He wouldn’t give me more than I could handle.  But it’s so hard when you’re in the middle of a challenging scene, because you feel like things are so out of control, and you can’t handle another request to go pee, or for more food, or to get down, or another “She pushed me,” or just plain “Whaaaaa.”

I think if we’re supposed to have more kids, God is going to have to make it abundantly clear.  For now, I pretty much do cartwheels every time I get my period.  But maybe someday I won’t, and I’ll long for another one.  I guess if Greg were to get a vasectomy (a very BIG if) and we got pregnant anyway, I would know for sure it was meant to be.  😉

Sometimes grace is all you’ve got

Posted on by peeinpeace

Today, simply put, is “one of those days.”  And it’s only 1:23 in the afternoon right now.

Last night I wasn’t tired when I went to bed, so I allowed myself to go to sleep late.  I said to Greg, “Gosh, I hope Zach doesn’t get up at 5:30 again like this morning.”  I prayed, wanting to have a good attitude, asking God that regardless of when I would be woken up, that I would be the mom He wants me to be.  Of course, I also requested that his will would coincide with mine, meaning an appropriate wake-up time would be around 7 a.m.  I asked God to give me the strength to love Greg and our kids the way He wants me to love them.  (This is a consistent prayer of mine.)

Then God, or Zach, or both of them, woke me up at 5:07 this morning.  It’s only mid-day, and I’ve already been working more than eight hours.  When my day starts like this, it’s so easy for the runaway train of negativity to take over my thoughts.  Exhaustion for me leads to impatience, lashing out, and a slew of other not-so-beautiful traits.

The day has not presented itself with more challenges than any normal day would with a 27-month-old know-it-all toddler and a 10-month-old curious and fast-moving baby.  But every tug on my pants, temper tantrum and trip over the dog is just that much more difficult to suck down with a smile than usual.

Speaking of the dog, she really has a barking issue.  When anyone comes near the door, she sometimes barks so forcefully that it shoots a poop nugget out of her butt.  I’m not kidding.  We’ve seen it happen.  Today during lunch, a UPS guy dropped off a package and Abbey went crazy as usual.  I was finally enjoying a few bites of my food when I thought I smelled poop.  I looked behind me and Abbey was dragging her butt on the ground.  Apparently two poop nuggets strung together by – something (hair?) – had shot out from the attempted delivery man assault, but not all the way.  This was the capstone to my already “crappy” morning.  I shouted at her to get outside and then Clorox wiped the floor that had just been mopped an hour earlier.

And now, looking back, while God is giving me a respite while the kids nap, I am thankful for the peace and quiet.  And I am laughing at how ridiculous it is that my dog does that.  Right now I can pick up my Bible and spend some time reading.  But before I do that, I have to admit I’m a bit sad, disappointed in myself for my lack of self-control in the tough moments.  I wish I were more capable of handling every situation with poise.  I wish that every time I prayed for peace, joy, patience and restraint that I would have them.

When I feel like a bad mom for blowing up or losing it, I have to remember that God not only covers a multitude of sins, but in the words of Pastor Bob Coy, He covers a multitude of scruples.  I am so thankful for the grace He gives me, and the grace my kids do, too.  I am praying I can be as gracious to them this afternoon.

So Lord, please bless me in this short time I have.  I want to spend time with you and I want to take a nap.  But it’s already 1:47.  Please let them both sleep until at least 3 p.m.  But if not, help me to be okay with whenever I am back on duty.  And help me to have a better attitude this afternoon than I did this morning.  Amen.

Mommy confessions

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Earlier today I spoke to a friend who’s known me 90% of my life.  She said she had a breakdown after reading this blog one day, feeling stressed because she realized she would soon have to start making her own baby food, thinking it would be too much, wondering how I do it with two kids when she has one.  It’s interesting timing, because yesterday I was thinking I should tie up loose ends and come clean about a few things.  I think it would be easy for someone to read parts of this blog and think somehow I have super powers or my children do things like go to bed without a fight.  (Actually, tonight is one of the nights Eliza went right down, but Zach is still up and super ornery, sitting on Greg’s lap next to me trying to contort himself into a position from which he can watch back episodes of “30 Rock” with us.)

The truth is I mess up quite a bit, and constantly wonder if what I’m doing is the right thing.  So, to be sure you all understand I am real with you, here are my current “mommy confessions”:

TEACHING and DISCIPLINE

1) I’m not sure I would call it caving in, but I did not, in the end, force Eliza to eat her macaroni and cheese with peas and carrots (from my last post).  What happened was she was so tired (and hungry) that she fell asleep sitting up on the couch.  I took the opportunity to heat up some leftover matzoh ball soup.  When I came back to the couch, Eliza was awake and she wanted my soup.  Now, I had tried to get her to eat this soup before with no luck, and as it had carrots and celery in it, I considered it an even trade with the macaroni and cheese.  She ate it up.  She was so hungry that she probably would have eaten anything.  And her eating habits have been much more, shall I say, cooperative since then.  But I technically did not stick to my guns.

2) I haven’t spent time planning meals to cook for Zach in probably three weeks.  Part of that is because we were on vacation, but part of it is because I’m too tired.  Maybe I’ll get on another baby food cooking kick tomorrow or the next day.  But I highly doubt it.

3) I haven’t started teaching Eliza how to sort laundry yet.  Today she wanted to “help” me fold sheets, and after about 2 1/2 minutes of her messing it up, I quickly cut her out of the process so I could just get it done.  Sometimes, it’s just not a teaching moment.

GERMS

4) Sometimes when I need a bottle I just rinse out the one I used at the last feeding with hot water.

5) I don’t always remember to wash Zach and Eliza’s hands before they eat.

6) I let my kids eat off the floor at home and sometimes in public.  When we’re out, if one of them drops food on the ground (like a sandwich or something I can’t easily replace), I check to see if anyone else is watching.  If someone is, I say, “Oh, we have to throw that away now because it’s dirty.”  But if there’s no one around, I just give it back.  Of course, if it were, say, a raisin, I would throw it out no matter what.  It just depends on how valuable the item is.

SAFETY

7) I’ve driven Zach to and Eliza from the mall – that is 25 miles away – without having them buckled in their car seats.  They were IN their seats, just not STRAPPED.  I always double-check this now.

8) I’ve driven Eliza around for an entire day without her car seat being strapped into the latches.  Now I never put the car seat in the car without latching it in immediately.

9) When Eliza was about 5-months-old, she was on my bed and I went into the closet for a minute to hang up a few things, and she rolled off.  Thank the Lord she was okay.

10) The morning we left for the beach trip a couple of months ago, Zach fell down our entire flight of basement stairs.  (These things always happen under stress.)  I was trying to get last-minute laundry done, so I carried a pile to fold upstairs and forgot to close the basement door.  At the same time, Eliza woke up.  So I dumped the laundry in the sun room where Zach was sitting happily on the floor, and I went upstairs to get Eliza.  She, of course, needed to pee, so I reluctantly took her to the bathroom.  When she was finishing up, I heard a “thud, thud, AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH” and immediately ran downstairs.  He was at the base of the basement stairs, screaming his head off.  I couldn’t stop shaking afterwards, and praise God he was alright.  I even had the pediatrician check him out to be sure.  But I think out of everything that’s happened, that was the worst.

We all have our shortcuts and shortcomings, and we all make our mistakes.  I think being real with ourselves and each other helps us accept our humanity and realize we’re not alone in this journey called motherhood.  I will be the first to say that it’s okay if you don’t make your own baby food.  Sure, it’s healthier, and pretty easy, but I probably negate all the good nutrition I get them by letting them eat off the floor.  Sometimes we’re just getting by, and that has to be enough.  I hope you can share your confessions, too!

10 physical feats I didn’t know I was capable of until I became a mom.

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1.  Natural child-birth. It turns out that if your baby takes fewer than two hours to come out, it’s really not that bad because you don’t have any time to think about the pain (or get the anesthesiologist).

2.  Carrying the equivalent of a 40 pound bag of dog food up and down stairs multiple times a day. Eliza weighs 25 pounds, Zach weighs 18, and yes, I carry them at the same time despite how dangerous it seems every time I do it.

3.  Tuning out sounds while awake. I often don’t hear Eliza the first 14 times she calls my name, but the 15th often reaches my inner ear.

4.  Hearing everything when trying to sleep. Conversely, I didn’t know I could sleep so lightly that my child’s cough, sneeze, or even sigh wakes me up.

5.  Skipping meals cluelessly.  Yes, I’ve skipped meals before, but normally it’s because I think about eating and just can’t manage to pull myself away from an activity.  Until I had kids, I never skipped meals without knowing it.

6.  Sleep deprivation. I had no idea I could function on the equivalent of 5 or 6 non-consecutive hours of sleep a day for weeks and even months on end.  The Army has conducted multiple sleep studies, and has found that we shouldn’t go more than three straight weeks on five hours a night without expecting a loss of brain function.  Now I know why I feel so dumb and forgetful.

7.  Pinching off diarrhea to finish at a later time.  That’s all I’m going to say about that.

8.  Going five days without washing my hair. In my defense, Greg was out-of-town and I had been to the salon, so it was “styled” that whole time.  I know people who have completed outward bound or hiked the Appalachian Trail have probably done this, but that doesn’t count because that’s outside of living in “society.”

9.  Cooking, holding a baby, talking on the phone, and watching a toddler all at once. Becoming a mom has truly changed my definition of multi-tasking.

10.  Pumping hundreds of hours and in random places. I’m not only a member of the mile-high pumping club, but I’ve pumped countless times in the car (sometimes while in motion, other times in parking lots).  I’ve pumped in the bathrooms at wedding receptions, ski resorts, and even a black tie award event for my husband.

I’m curious to know what you have done that’s tested your physical abilities since becoming a mom.

Revel in the little moments before they’re gone

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How we wake up in the mornings often has a ripple effect on the rest of our days.  When I am woken up by my “alarm clock” (which is either Zach crying or Eliza shouting “Mommy COME!”), I’m often resentful that I don’t get to decide for myself when I’m done sleeping.

I have decided to start praying a short yet ample prayer as I hurl off the sheets and walk (or stomp) into the room from where the noise emanates.  It goes as follows: “Lord, help me to love my kids today the way you want me to love them.”  If I mean it, it changes my whole outlook.

A few mornings ago I fetched Eliza and Zach and brought them, I’ll admit a bit begrudgingly, into our room as usual.  As Eliza had boundless energy and all I wanted to do was lie there a little longer, I proposed we play her new favorite game.  I said, “Eliza, why don’t we play hide and seek?  You go hide.”  I heard her little feet lead her into her room where she ALWAYS hides between her crib and the wall, and as I started counting, we heard her count along, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven eight, nine, ten.  OKAY, COME FIND ME!!!”  I looked at Greg and we both giggled about how she doesn’t quite have the rules of the game down.  And I knew in that moment that some day I would miss it.  There are so many of these moments every day that God gives us, and they are little jewels.

It’s like sifting for gold.  On family vacations growing up, we took a lot of road trip stops to sift.  You get your little bucket of dirt and you carefully sieve it through the running water, bit by bit.  You have to go through a whole lot of mud and muck to find the specks of gold.  But boy is it rewarding when you get the good stuff.  And the sifting itself is part of the joy.

Chuck Swindoll has said, “I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.”  I think he’s onto something.  So tomorrow morning, I’m not sure which one of them will wake me up, but I’m going to pray my new prayer, and be abundantly thankful for the blessing of them.  I’ll admit it will be easier if neither of them wakes me between now and then.  (Old habits do die hard.)